Friendships in the "Western world"- Part 1- Introduction

Introduction

Friendships are a very important but often somewhat under-rated aspect of human life.  In modern Western societies, many people have problems making and keeping meaningful friendships.  For example, the Wikipedia article on friendships points to a decline in the quality and quantity of friendships among adults since at least 1985, and while I feel that my generation in the UK has done a better job of making and keeping friends than the past few generations, there are still studies out there in the UK suggesting, for example, that adults have an average of only two close friends.

Thus, I feel that it is important to identify the main challenges that face friendships in the Western world, and, having identified them, take steps to address them, so that friendships can flourish more widely.  Some of the challenges are unavoidable to some extent, but others, particularly the cultural norms that date from the Victorian period, are largely unnecessary and survive purely because "this is the way that we've always done things since the late 1800s or maybe the 1950s".

What friendships are, and why they are important

A friendship is typically a non-sexual relationship characterised by mutual affection.  It often features common interests, similar outlooks on life, mutual trust and understanding, sympathy and empathy, among other factors that contribute to the formation of strong bonds.

Humans generally have a fundamental need for social interaction and emotional bonding, and for a sense of "belonging", and are likely to feel lonely and unhappy if they do not have relationships that are both meaningful and stable.  Having numerous friendships helps substantially with these needs.  It presents opportunities to spend time with a wide range of like-minded individuals, and reduces the risk of becoming heavily dependent on particular individuals- if individual friendships are lost or damaged, there is more chance of being able to fall back upon other friendships for support.   It also increases our chances of feeling that we "belong" to multiple social groups and communities, which tends to increase self-esteem and general happiness.

Don't confuse acquaintances with friends

It is useful to have numerous acquaintances, whose relationships are characterised by social bonding and shared interests, or just shared company, but have little or no shared affection, but acquaintances cannot make up for having no friends- people who rely only on having acquaintances tend to end up emotionally stunted as they lack relationships where they can share affection with others.

Myths relating to contemporary definitions of "family" and "friends"

"Family" often refers to the nuclear family, typically consisting of a couple and children, and can also refer to the extended family, who are "people that we consider ourselves to be related to", typically connected via blood and/or partnership ties to within a few generations.

There is a popular misconception that family are related to us and friends are not, but in fact, we are almost certainly all related to each other.  The catch is that we tend not to recognise people as being "relatives" unless they are related to within a few generations, so to find blood and/or partnership ties between people who are recognised as "friends", we typically have to go back numerous generations.

There is often a significant difference between friendships and relationships within a nuclear family, as sexual partnerships and parent-child relationships tend to contain additional bonds and dependencies.  But when comparing the extended family with friends, the difference is often largely or entirely arbitrary.  I can love a close friend just as I love my own sister, with the only difference being, my sister is related to me to within a few generations, whereas my friend is not.

Friendships are vulnerable to being perceived as disposable because the friends are not recognised as being "family"

Unfortunately, one of the biggest cultural barriers that faces friendships is the perception that relationships between people who are not related to within a few generations are disposable.  Even if I love a close friend exactly as I love my own sister, there are various social situations in which others will treat my friendship with far less respect than they will treat my relationship with my sister, purely because she is related to within a few generations whereas the friend is not.  This perception can also contribute to difficulties in finding trustworthy people who are not recognised as "family", as even people who appear to be "real" friends can be tempted to think, "You're not in my family, so you're disposable", when complications arise in the friendship.

This problem is primarily a legacy of traditional Victorian/1950s family values.  I have heard very depressing arguments from people raised on those values, such as, "You don't need friends, all you need is family.  A man can't have a close female friend unless she's his girlfriend and can't have a close male friend because then people might think he's gay, but it doesn't matter because your family are your friends."  I go into more detail on the reasons why these sort of beliefs persist in Part 2, but it suffices to say for now that these mentalities encourage people to restrict close friendships only to people who are considered to be relatives, thus severely limiting the range of people that they can potentially be close friends.

I think, though, that there is quite a straightforward solution.  It will be easier said than done, as it requires a cultural shift in attitudes, but it runs as follows:

Relationships should be respected according to how close and rewarding/positive they are, and how dependent the individuals are upon each other, rather than according to whether or not the individuals concerned are related to within a few generations.