What is relational aggression?
One of the biggest challenges that a friendship can face is relational aggression, which typically involves one or more of the following techniques, which serve to damage the recipient's friendships and reputation. Some of the most common techniques include:
- Encouraging members of a social group to ignore and/or exclude a recipient, e.g. threatening them that they will be isolated from the group unless they withdraw from friendships with the recipient.
- Spreading negative rumours about the recipient, to damage the recipient's reputation within the group. For example, spotting a man hugging a female friend, and then spreading rumours accusing him of having ulterior sexual motives for doing so, or making out that he groped her.
- Giving recipients the "silent treatment", i.e. treating them as if they don't exist, giving them a sense of being in trouble but keeping them guessing as to why, and how much.
- Isolating recipients from participation in social groups, e.g. arranging events where everybody else is invited but the recipient is excluded.
The negative impacts of this type of aggression are "invisible" and thus are harder to spot than with physical and verbal forms of abuse, and are easily overlooked. Another problem is that people sometimes apply these techniques inadvertently, with neutral or positive intentions, and don't realise how damaging they are. For example, some use the "silent treatment" on the basis, "I'd rather not hurt X's feelings by giving X bad news, so I'll say nothing", or see giving "old" friends the "silent treatment" as part of "moving on" from the "old" to the "new". Social groups may isolate recipients without realising that they are doing so. Someone may express legitimate concerns about the possibility of a non-sexual friendship turning sexual, and inadvertently trigger a series of damaging rumours that circulate around associated social groups.
This behaviour tends to escalate into a form of bullying, even when it starts off well-intentioned, and it is often very damaging regardless of the intentions behind it, and sometimes even a one-off incident can cause a lot of damage, and so recipients need help.
The perception that friendships are disposable contributes to relational aggression not being taken seriously enough
When people suffer from relational aggression, and it threatens their relationships with "family" (people who are related to within a few generations) it is often taken very seriously, but in my experience, it is often dismissed if the recipients are "only" in danger of being isolated from friends. Here are some responses that I am used to coming across:
"If you're suffering from relational aggression, just walk away."
The problem with this type of aggression is that it is often hard for recipients to walk away from the perpetrators without also withdrawing from the social groups that they are in danger of being isolated from, thus effectively surrendering to the problem.
"So what's the big deal? Friendships come and go anyway, and you can always make new friends. If you're having to fight to keep friendships, they aren't worth persevering with- just leave them in the past, move on, focus on making new friends."
"Once you have been isolated from a group and had your reputation ruined, you have to just accept, that's it, they don't want to associate with you any more. People 'move on' from 'old' friends, and if you try too hard to repair the damage to your social status and reputation, you could get done for harassment, for repeated unwanted attempts to re-connect with past friends who have decided to permanently leave you in the past."
Ouch. So, not only do the recipients not get help with the relational aggression, they are told that if they try too hard to take a stand against it, they will get into trouble. And, pairs of friends are encouraged to blame each other for the pain that the perpetrators of relational aggression are inflicting upon them, which plays perfectly into the hands of the perpetrators.
"If you're suffering from relational aggression, just walk away."
The problem with this type of aggression is that it is often hard for recipients to walk away from the perpetrators without also withdrawing from the social groups that they are in danger of being isolated from, thus effectively surrendering to the problem.
"So what's the big deal? Friendships come and go anyway, and you can always make new friends. If you're having to fight to keep friendships, they aren't worth persevering with- just leave them in the past, move on, focus on making new friends."
"Once you have been isolated from a group and had your reputation ruined, you have to just accept, that's it, they don't want to associate with you any more. People 'move on' from 'old' friends, and if you try too hard to repair the damage to your social status and reputation, you could get done for harassment, for repeated unwanted attempts to re-connect with past friends who have decided to permanently leave you in the past."
Ouch. So, not only do the recipients not get help with the relational aggression, they are told that if they try too hard to take a stand against it, they will get into trouble. And, pairs of friends are encouraged to blame each other for the pain that the perpetrators of relational aggression are inflicting upon them, which plays perfectly into the hands of the perpetrators.
"Just accept, some friendships don't work out, and that's life."
Some friendships do fail for reasons that can't be helped, but others fail for reasons that can be. A friendship failing because it was targeted by relational aggression, and the recipients were unable to get help because too many people just stood there saying "That's life", is an extremely painful experience.
"A true friend would stand by you no matter what, regardless of outside pressure. Therefore if you lose a friend as a result of outside pressure, he/she wasn't a true friend anyway."
This unrealistic definition of a "true friend" (a classic example of the No true Scotsman fallacy) serves to blind people to the amount of damage that relational aggression can cause. The argument goes, relational aggression can't really cause much damage, for either the recipient is not under threat of social isolation or reputation damage, or the people that the recipient is in danger of being isolated from are not "true" friends.
In reality, "true" friendships can be associated with the most damaging break-ups, especially if the friends make a strong effort to stand by each other, but the friendship then cracks, leaving them with a strong sense of having let each other down in a big way despite their best efforts. In the worst cases, people can go abruptly from being close friends to being enemies, which can be far worse than bereavement (for rather than merely losing a relationship, a good relationship is replaced with a bad one). Recipients in these situations generally find that others refuse to acknowledge their predicament, arguing, "No, this cannot possibly happen to anybody- if you are isolated from friends, it means that they weren't true friends."
In reality, "true" friendships can be associated with the most damaging break-ups, especially if the friends make a strong effort to stand by each other, but the friendship then cracks, leaving them with a strong sense of having let each other down in a big way despite their best efforts. In the worst cases, people can go abruptly from being close friends to being enemies, which can be far worse than bereavement (for rather than merely losing a relationship, a good relationship is replaced with a bad one). Recipients in these situations generally find that others refuse to acknowledge their predicament, arguing, "No, this cannot possibly happen to anybody- if you are isolated from friends, it means that they weren't true friends."
Relational aggression can and should be addressed
As I know from experience, experiences of suffering from relational aggression can damage our confidence in making and keeping friendships- after having had experiences of "old" friends being lost, where relational aggression was a significant factor, and was allowed to go ahead without opposition, there is a tendency to fear that any "new" friendships that we make will be vulnerable to being lost in the same way. This can trigger a vicious cycle of social and emotional isolation.
I am not necessarily suggesting that perpetrators should be dealt with harshly, because while sometimes relational aggression occurs as part of ongoing bullying, sometimes the perpetrators have neutral or positive intentions and genuinely don't realise how much harm they are causing. But regardless of the intent, recipients need to be able to get help, rather than having their predicament dismissed, as the impacts can be significantly worse than those of physical and verbal abuse. And, since we do often deal effectively with relational aggression when it is directed against "family" relationships (between people who are related to within a few generations) there is no reason why we can't with "non-family" friendships.
I am not necessarily suggesting that perpetrators should be dealt with harshly, because while sometimes relational aggression occurs as part of ongoing bullying, sometimes the perpetrators have neutral or positive intentions and genuinely don't realise how much harm they are causing. But regardless of the intent, recipients need to be able to get help, rather than having their predicament dismissed, as the impacts can be significantly worse than those of physical and verbal abuse. And, since we do often deal effectively with relational aggression when it is directed against "family" relationships (between people who are related to within a few generations) there is no reason why we can't with "non-family" friendships.
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